Divorce

The term ‘Divorce’ strikes you like a thunder. You probably never imagined becoming one of the numbers in the divorce statistics! Suddenly you feel like you are all alone in this huge world. Your close relatives and friends ask you what will happen to your possessions, property, children, etc. and you do not know the answers.

You will be able to find answers to all your questions only if you can handle your emotional trauma. You have to heal yourself emotionally so that you can understand the divorce procedures and their intricacies. You need help with emotional healing. You can look for some ways here:

Most people seek help through Marital Therapy. When you talk about your feelings and share it with others, it gives you new strength. Marital therapy includes individual, Joint or group therapy. Couples may go to different therapists separately or go to see a common therapist or join a group of several couples and meet with a therapist(s).

Divorce coaching helps you focus on the practical requirements of what needs to be done legally, while healing the emotions that naturally occur. When you cannot solve your problems through marital therapy you could go for Divorce coaching as a precaution. A Divorce Coach will help you in the transition from married life to single life. This kind of coaching helps reduce the pain and stress experienced as a result of separation and divorce.
Relationship coaching is also available these days to deal with life problems. Your coach would ask you to do assignments which may help you to understand the truth about yourself and others and life circumstances, etc. This would help you to make better decisions.

There is another new avenue, soul work relationship coaching which can teach you to control your emotions and be at peace, prepare you to face your family and others, safeguard your children, make you draw new goals and work towards them. Many people have given positive feedbacks about Soulwork separation coaching. They say it has been helpful in maintaining emotional stability during and after divorce proceedings.
Another new technique to tackle your problem is the Spiritual Divorce Tele-class – a few sessions with this technique helps you to regain your self confidence and look for positive possibilities in your life; you will learn to develop new levels of awareness and self love. You can connect with supporters from the worldwide population who are sailing the same boat. You will be under the guidance of a Certified Integrative Coach who would act as your mentor.

Then there is spiritual counseling. This method helps you to introspect yourself and see who you are at a deeper level. It helps to attend this type of counseling along with your partner so that both of you can renew your understanding of each other and try to live together again – and probably save from divorce?

There are also a number of seminars, retreats and at-home retreat packages that encourage you to take on the divorce process with a renewed strength and move on towards emotional freedom. You are free to choose the path that is convenient to you and your spouse. Get yourself some help and take on life afresh and anew.

Divorce causes a lot of emotional pain and there are many who feel the hurt for a long time after the relationship is over. If you have had a strong attachment with your ex-partner, the process of healing after a breakup takes longer. If you are one of them you can seek self-help to heal your wounds and remove your psychic burden. Try to be open, analyze what hurts and find a suitable therapy such as meditation, hypnosis or clinical therapy.

When you do not heal your emotions, they manifest as panic attacks, anxiety, low self-esteem, depression, etc. Realize that you can get over the emotional roller coaster of a divorce by letting go and following on a new path for yourself. You are always feeling an internal conflict between your need to feel good and the pain caused by the memories from your married life. This conflict is your inner issue that you have to face, fight and heal. While you are undergoing some kind of therapy you could also use some self-help tips given here:

- Live in the ‘Now’ - Your past is gone. Though it sounds hard, realize that your relationship is broken and you can never go back to your ex-partner. You cannot re-live the past but you can live in the present. Do not look in the past or future but concentrate only in the present, ‘now.’ You will find peace as you practice this everyday.

- Enjoy the nature around you - Take walks around the woods or by the beach. Look at the sunrise and sunset or the stars at night. When you forget about yourself and your surroundings just gazing at the stars, notice that your pain is gone. Enjoy the warm sun, cool air, full moon, receding seawater, etc. There are plenty of things in nature to soothe you.

- Exercise - Daily exercise charges you with energy and bestows many other benefits. Joining Tai Chi class or Yoga class may not only benefit you health-wise they could also help you find new friends and expand your social circle. After all, you or your ex-partner is not the only human being in the world. You could meet some nice friendly people in these classes. So try these!

- Develop Your Spirituality - Do you know you are unique? You will soon realize your own potential and mental energy if you sit quietly, meditate and be in the moment

- Practice Forgiveness - What good is it to hang on to your past? It is time to heal your inner self and find a better path. You can let go only if you forgive yourself and your ex-partner. Letting go of all grudges would make you find peace within yourself.

- Serve Others - “Service to human is service to God.” It doesn’t matter if you are not a religious person. Helping others would make you feel good and raise your self-esteem. In servicing others you not only help others but also yourself with an emotional uplift.

- Love Your self - Many people blame themselves for events in life. You have to learn to love yourself instead of blaming yourself. You can love others only when you are kind to yourself and love yourself. Your divorce probably had reasons other than hate. So think of all the good things for yourself and buy yourself small rewards on and off to develop self-love. You can love everyone if you accept all without any judgment, including yourself!

Ending Relationships is one of the toughest events in life. It is difficult to end a relationship because generally partners have strong feelings for each other and they do not want to hurt each other in the process. Breaking up is hard on both the parties – the one who is ending the relationship and the one being broken up with.

When do couples decide on breaking up? As differences develop on a day-to-day basis, the couple begins to feel the gap. The indifference between the two partners widens. They no longer think alike. Almost every conversation ends up in a fight. At this stage the couple may prefer to stay away from each other. They may somehow adjust and stay together still, most of the time for the sake of their children. Guilt makes them stick around for a while but this is expressed as resentment towards each other. They tend to blame each other and when all these feelings pile up and they can take it no longer they decide to end their relationship. A relationship can be ended gracefully. Here are some ways that can help one in this process:

- The man or the woman, whoever wants out can take the initial step to discuss the issue.

- Be honest about your feelings. Admit that your relationship is not working anymore and it would be best for both of you to go your separate ways.

- You need not necessarily develop enmity towards each other and could handle the process in a mature way.

- Make sure you tell your partner that you want to end this relationship not because of hate but because of disagreements between the two of you.

- You should make it a ground rule that at any point you would not blame or use harsh words at each other.

- Treating the relationship and the person with respect would help both, especially the woman to maintain her dignity even after the break-up.

- You can plan the process to minimize the grief caused to your partner.

- You should do the breaking up in person and not on the phone, through friends or via email.

- After expressing a ‘need to talk’ the discussion should be brought up at the earliest to avoid anxiety and hurt feelings for long.

- If your spouse breaks down and cries, you should not walk away. Allow her to let out her emotions. Stay calm and be with her until she calms down.

- You should not discuss any legal aspects at this point when you are breaking the news that you want out from the relationship.

- You should give your partner some time for herself and let her be alone to think things out.

- If you have made up your mind, stick to it and do not give her false hopes of getting back together.

Mutual respect at all times would help both to maintain dignity throughout the process. You can make this exit easy on both of you.

You have to select an efficient divorce attorney to work on your divorce process. If you choose a good lawyer, he will help you breeze through the process. If you do not choose a right one, you will spend almost the rest of your life making up for losses that might have been prevented.

Firstly identify the type of your case. Will you be involved with mediating your divorce? Will you be negotiating or will you go to court on divorce litigation? Decide and then proceed to choose the type of attorney to deal with your type of case.

You will be able to collect a lot of information by talking to your friends or others who had gone through a divorce before. You can ask them about the type of case they had dealt with, the names of attorneys who represented them, the length of the process, the amount paid towards attorney fees and the efficiency of their attorneys, etc.

Internet is very helpful in this regard. A number of divorce attorneys have their own websites where they give information about their specialty, fees, etc. some attorneys also have written articles about divorce-related matters. After doing this initial homework, you could make a list of three or four attorney’s names and contact details. With a list of attorneys’ names you may get confused in selecting the right one. Have some criteria in helping you to choose a proper lawyer:

- Look for the attorney’s expertise and experience - Make sure your divorce lawyer is a highly experienced one. He should be primarily a divorce lawyer, familiar with divorce cases in your location. This is important because divorce laws differ from state to state.

- Check out the testimonials or references - Inexperienced lawyers could easily make matters worse for you. To avoid extra problems it is better to get some testimonials and then choose your lawyer.

- Ensure your lawyer’s accessibility and availability - Communication between a lawyer and his client is the utmost factor that helps them deal with the case. It is therefore important that your lawyer promptly responds to your phone calls, emails, official meetings, etc. You do not want to add to more stress by his unavailability.

- Find out about lawyer fees - You should know your legal expenses before you go ahead with the case. At the time of fixing up an appointment you could find out about a consultation fee; while some attorneys brief initial consultations for free, there are other highly experienced divorce lawyers who may charge between $100.00 and $300.00 as a consultation fee or may charge their normal hourly rate.

- Discuss the amount and the mode of payment during your initial consultation. Experience lawyers may require you to pay a substantial retainer fee up front based on the lawyer’s hourly rate and other expenses. You need to get the details of the lawyer’s hourly rate, up front payment, etc. You may also find out whether unused funds or remainder of the retainer fee is refundable.

- Your level of comfort in communicating with the lawyer - You need to feel comfortable in talking to your lawyer about the case and the related issues. If you don’t feel confident or comfortable, it is better to look for some other lawyer in this field.

You are tormented with so many questions when you think about divorce. Is divorce an easy way out? Do you want to stay on? It is a tough decision to make. All marriages have problems. To face them boldly and to manage them effectively both partners should be willing to dedicate their time and efforts. Divorce is not the answer for everyone. How can you safeguard your marriage and save yourself from a divorce? You could try communicating properly or get help to patch up your differences.

Engage in open communication

Many marriages fail due to a lack of communication. Improper communication lies at the heart of most problems when it comes to failing marriages. Either couples don’t talk about their problems or they retort at one another and indulge in futile arguments. This definitely is not a meaningful dialogue. You need to be objective in handling these situations by setting aside strong emotions like anger. Open communication is essential to handle any sort of problems and issues a couple needs to work through. If you want to engage in decent communication with your spouse, you discuss the issues together without judging or blaming each other. Express what you need to say without interrupting each other. Always maintain respect while talking so that you stay calm to get to the core of the issues.

Seek help

If talking to each other seems impossible you could consult a marriage or a relationship counselor. Sometimes an intervention by a third party could help you see the issues clearly. The counselor’s objective views and unbiased approach may help to bring the core of the issues to the open. Your counselor can also provide you with solutions to improve and strengthen your marital relationship.

Sometimes elders in a family or mutual friends can intervene and save your marriage. If you cannot seem to agree on a particular point, talk to common friends or relatives and get their inputs. If both the partners look at a problem from an outsider’s view, that could help them find a solution together.

Many couples remain married for the sake of their children. They stay married despite conflicting differences, but it is not the best solution. It is not healthy for children to grow up in an atmosphere where they see constant conflict between their parents and the ensuing problems always pervading the home.
What if things fail?

Couples are bound together only because of love. In a marriage you do not let emotions over ride the main factor of love. If you have mutual love and respect for each other, there is no problem that could come in-between the partners. But, failing that and all other help in forms of family advice or counselor’s help, you have no choice but to go for divorce. If divorce seems to be the only way out, it would still be better to work through the problems first and then divorce on a mutual understanding.

Divorce is destructive. It destroys the lives of individuals – lives of those who were in love once upon a time and lives of children who are not in anyway responsible. It makes enemies out of other people such as in-laws and other relatives and sometimes, common friends. It takes a lot of energy to fight it and rebuild lives. Divorce does not happen overnight. It happens over time. As gaps between a couple increase and as they drift apart they finally break their ties in the name of divorce.

Common reasons for a divorce are failure in communicating with one another, losing intimacy physically and emotionally, hating each other due to uncompromising attitudes, etc. Unhappy marriages end in divorce. Can you avoid a divorce? Probably yes, if both partners want to give their marriage another chance. Here are a few suggestions on how a couple can prevent a divorce:

Compatibility is a major factor in a marriage - if one would choose a person who has the same viewpoints and values about life, many differences could be avoided.

Discuss the issues – a husband and wife must deal with conflicts by discussing about them openly. They should listen to each other’s opinion with regard to each other’s views. This is the healthy way to resolve conflicts.

Invest some time on intimacy – a couple that wishes to stay together must spend quality time together. Amidst busy life styles, allotting time for each other makes both the persons involved feel special about each other. They should make it a regular practice to spend private times as often as possible. This would keep the love in their relationship fresh forever

Friendship in partnership works wonders - Friends are those who accept us as we are. So if a wife is able to accept her husband as he is and treat him as her best friend how could they go as far as divorce? Friendship within a marriage relationship would only make their bond stronger.

Be a team against life problems - Work as a team in facing failures and disappointment in life. When you are together and meet the challenges you get stronger to face them. Instead of blaming the other for troubling incidences take responsibility and shoulder the problems together.

Feel free to express your emotions - you may feel negative emotions such as anger and hurt once in a while. It is natural and healthy to let out emotions. But make sure you do not carry them for too long. Release the emotions and forget about negative feelings to avoid bitterness.

Be honest with each other - The most important reason for failure in marriage is infidelity. If there is no trust in a relationship how could there be any intimacy? To maintain a long lasting relationship couples should stay honest and faithful to each other.

Marriage happens when two persons fall in love. Divorce happens when the same two persons fall out of love. It is up to you if you want to fall in or fall out of love, think and act!

In this Internet age divorce is easy and possible just by a click of the button - This is what some people think about divorcing online. What is online Divorce? Online Divorce is also called the Do-It-Yourself Divorce. It is simple but you cannot get your divorce just ‘by a click of the button.’ It is simple in the sense, your can obtain the legal forms online, fill them up and submit them online. You will have detailed instructions and assistance as you fill them along the way. Instead of paying a huge sum to a lawyer you are doing these by yourself. It is just like doing your tax papers yourself instead of hiring an accountant.

Is there an eligibility criterion? Anyone who is filing for a divorce can apply online. Any couple could utilize these services if do-it-yourself divorce is applicable them.

A. If both the husband and the wife agree and wish to end their marriage in a peaceful manner

B. If a couple would want to cooperate enough to form an amicable agreement regarding issues on property division and related bills, child custody, visitation, and child support, etc.

C. If both could state that they have been leading a decent life free of any spouse or child abuse

D. If the partners are not in active military service

E. If neither of you have any previous legal proceedings instituted against you for a divorce, legal separation, child custody, or domestic violence between you and your spouse

F. If you have been married for over 5 years, and if you are currently employed and capable of self support

G. If you should say ‘no’ to any of the above, it is advisable that you seek the advice of a legal attorney.
What is the procedure?

Look up for ‘Divorce’ websites. Read through to understand their terms and conditions before you start. You may download the required forms, answer the questions and submit online. The firm reviews your answers and formats your paperwork as per your court’s requirements. You would receive the completed paperwork by mail in about 5 – 10 days time, ready to be faxed, mailed or taken by you in person to your local courthouse. You attend your final hearing and get your judgment on your divorce decree.

Fact is that you can only get the forms with a click of a button. You still have to go through the court system to get a divorce judgment. There are some counties that accept the application for divorce by mail or fax. For example, all counties in California accept them by mail or fax. You may check with your country clerk’s office to see if they would accept your filings this way.

During online processing, if the partners disagree on some issue, it is best to seek an attorney or a mediator for assistance. It is highly advisable to go for legal help if you have come to find out that your spouse had filed legal papers for divorce outside the context of your settlement discussions or if he has already retained an attorney.

The costs differ and may range from $199 to $400 or a little more but not as high as engaging a private attorney. Can you compare this to the average hourly rate of $228 for attorney fees? These fees generally do not include the court filing fees, which again varies by county.

Divorcing on line is definitely a lot cheaper if both partners can come to mutual agreements.

Divorce is never an enjoyable experience for a couple. Change in marital status affects your financial status. Therefore the financial aspect should be dealt with separately from the emotional aspect to protect you before, during and after divorce. What are some of the usual matters you should be concerned with in your divorce?

You need to start off looking for a good legal counsel to help you get a fair deal. Before approaching legal help keep your details of finances at hand. These would include both your Wills, Social Security Benefits, Loans and Other Debts, Life Insurance, Medical Insurance, any other Insurance, Pension Plans, Business/Employment Details, Real Estate Records, Personal Property, etc.

Alimony - Alimony refers to a husband’s obligation to continue to support his wife. The court decides on the alimony based on the ability of the divorced spouse to support him or herself. Those divorced spouses who are of working age are expected to find employment and not depend only on alimony. Alimony nowadays, is being often replaced by distribution of marital assets. Distribution of assets is referred by the term ‘equitable distribution,’ but not necessarily in equal terms. Many divorce settlements are made to find some balance between maintenance and asset division. In some cases, one’s alimony may be greatly reduced or even eliminated. Property is given in exchange for income.

Insurance Coverage - In the event of a divorce you should notify your insurer of change in your marital status. The status of your insurance policies changes and where necessary, transfer of title and ownership of property, vehicles and real estate will be changed.

Life Insurance - After divorce you may wish to change the beneficiary designation on your existing insurance policies.

Health and Medical Insurance - Considering the medical costs and hospital costs, divorcing couples should make arrangements to be adequately and continuously covered by health and medical insurance. The separation agreement normally includes the obligation to provide health insurance coverage.

Credit facility and credit rights - You may need to establish credit on the basis of your changed financial position, but your rating cannot legally be affected by your marital status. If you are receiving alimony you do not need to include alimony as part of your income on your credit application. Your alimony could be legally discounted as income, if the creditor takes your ex-spouse as a poor credit risk. You should notify the credit bureau of both ex-spouse’s and your new addresses and specify that those accounts should henceforth be reported separately.

Changes in Estate Planning - It is advisable for the divorcing spouses to seek an attorney’s help. The attorney will review and redesign the basic estate-planning documents to account for the new marital status. While the divorce is in process, most states will not allow couples to completely disinherit the spouse. In that case, when the divorce is finalized, your attorney will need to redraft the will as well as other estate-planning documents to change beneficiaries and trustees, at least. You may also include the guardianship arrangements for children.

It is absolutely essential that expert legal and tax counsel is sought in all estate-planning matters to safeguard both parties’ interests. When both parties act mature and try to be fair to each other, the final divorce agreement will be fair to both.

When there is no room for reconciliation, divorce seems to be the only option left for a married couple. Negative emotions such as hate, anger, jealousy, etc. built up through the bad times may have their influence in making your divorce a difficult one. You feel alone and afraid. You wonder if you can have a divorce without being affected by all the emotional trauma and stress.

Well, you could try and make yours a successful divorce. You can make it work for you if you can control your emotions and practice self-control. It is difficult because you have so many hard feelings that you have stored in your mind, it is not easy to forget or forgive your soon to be ex-spouse.

Your emotions rule your head and you become heartless in the process. You act like your ex-partner forever possesses you.

It is but natural to feel hurt, angry, sad and confused. But, if you could set aside these feelings and practice self-control, you will certainly benefit from your divorce. Your ability to control yourself will have a positive effect on your spouse and your children. You will enjoy better benefits from your divorce in such aspects dealing with finance, property settlement, etc.

Controlling your emotions may sound simple but it is very difficult to practice. Here are some ways for you to take it as a challenge and succeed:

Cut down on unnecessary communication – Do not communicate with your soon-to-be ex-husband unless it is absolutely necessary. This would save you from exchanging unpleasant words; if you have to speak to him, then discuss only about matters dealing with children or any other important issues. Controlling your tongue is the outward expression of controlling your inner emotions!

Do not spy on your partner – If you spy and find out about things which you do not want to see or hear you may have a difficult time controlling your emotions. Let him be the way he wishes to be. Since you decided to leave, how does it matter where he goes or what he does? You could use his absence to collect information that would help you with your divorce settlements.

Do not talk to everyone you see about your ex – You can choose a few who will sympathize with you or share your feelings.

There are women who tend to share their hurt feelings with anybody - supermarket girls, McDonald’s cashiers or anyone they can talk to, even to strangers while standing in line at the movie theater. The more you talk about him, the easier you will lose your temper. This is not going to help you with controlling your emotions.

Your behavior at the courtroom is crucial to the judgment. If you create a bad impression, you may repeat your courtroom visits and also spend a lot on lawyer fees. So it is advisable to practice self-control.

You could get help from therapists or life coaches to help you in learning self-control. Holistic methods like meditation and breathing techniques are immensely helpful in maintaining peace and self-control.